Heart to Heart: Remorse
by hoproman
Summary: John Crichton needs help and he knows it.


"Heart to Heart: Remorse" - By [Hoproman][1]   
Rated PG-13 | 47KB | Archived 05.22.00  
Spoilers: Yes, S1 and S2 up through "Crackers Don't Matter".  
Summary: John Crichton needs help and he knows it. Takes place aboard Moya after "Crackers Don't Matter" but before the "Picture If You Will" and "The Way We Weren't" episodes.  
  
Disclaimers: Farscape belongs to Jim Henson Productions & The Sci-Fi Channel, etc.  
  
Archiving: Yes. If you want it, it's yours - just keep my name and e-mail address with it. And if you'd let me know where it is, I'd like to visit. :-))  
  
Author's Note: This story is dedicated to something that often gets taken for granted - dried food rectangles. To give credit where credit is due, I've used one of Jessi's (from the egroups Farscape-shippers list) definitions of the month in this story without her permission (hope ya don't mind). Lastly thanks to my friend LC who gave me the idea for the ending scene. 

* * *

*** Several arns after John kills T'raltixx ***

John is standing on the terrace gazing out at the stars. He thinks of a quote from the movie "The Dirty Dozen" starring Lee Marvin. "Sergeant. Get some special help here. Now!" Special help? Could sure use some of that.

There's no doubt about it. I had my first psychotic episode. Delusions of Scorpius. Lost it there for a while. Not that the others were of any help. What if it happens again? What if I can't stop myself next time? I'm not sure I know how to recover from this. I'm scared. Wonder what kind of mental hospitals they have out here in the uncharted territories.

John thinks of a conversation he had with Rygel on the yellow Moya. "Nope, that is not funny, that is not funny, Rygel. Look, I got to get out of here before I end up like you." Rygel's response, "What? Handsome with a great sexual prowess?" John chuckles.

John remembers the lyrics to an old Police song, the King of Pain:

There's a little black spot on the sun today   
That's my soul up there   
It's the same old thing as yesterday   
That's my soul up there   
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top   
That's my soul up there   
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop   
That's my soul up there

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain   
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain   
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign   
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain...

God damn it. Frax it. Frell it. Frell. I must be cursed. Just when things were starting to gel. When my relationship with Aeryn looked like it was getting better. Looked like it was going somewhere. Just when we'd barely made a little progress. John rests his head against the window and pounds his fist against it in frustration. He remembers his friend Julia Chou telling him about a Chinese curse: "May you live in interesting times." He chuckles. I certainly *do* live in interesting times Jules.

I'd better get out of here before anyone comes looking for me. I don't think I can take seeing or talking to anyone right now, especially not *her*. It's too soon. The emotional wounds are still bleeding. The blood hasn't yet run clear.

********************

Aeryn walks in to the terrace and sits down. She's thinking. Did he do all that, all that damage? Pilot had called to let her know that Crichton was tearing apart one of the unused rooms on Tier 9. Pilot was concerned about John. I told Pilot not to worry about it. Just stay out of his way and let him get it out of his system.

Aeryn calls Pilot and says, "Pilot. Are you sure that Jo- um Crichton did all that damage to that room?"

Pilot replies, "Yes, Officer Sun. I've been discretely watching Crichton with the DRD's as you asked me to. After he helped you rearrange the furniture on the command deck he went to Tier 9. He picked a room and started breaking, smashing, and wrecking everything. He was ranting and raving the whole time. I have never seen him like this before." Pilot pauses and then says, "Officer Sun. Crichton will be all right, won't he?"

Aeryn replies, "Yes Pilot. Thank you." Aeryn's lost in thought. I hope he'll be okay.

Pilot studies Aeryn for a moment and then turns off the viewer.

I can't believe the things I said to him. "Next time you'll be a crouton Crichton. Oh don't stop. Why don't you make another *speech* you self-important deficient little man. All you ever do is *talk*. Your Father was the hero you know. He did things. You, you're just this test monkey that screwed up your first experiment." I insulted John. Compared him to his Father. Belittled him. "Are you cracking up little man?" John, a little man? "I'm tired of having to always listen to *you*. When I'm old there is one thing I'm gonna look back on with enormous pride and that is killing you." Would I really have killed him? What if I had killed him? What then?

We called him the deficient one but in the end he saved us like he always does. We made fun of his eyes. Damn it. It's not like I hadn't noticed. I knew his eyes were blue. He didn't have to say that. I love his blue eyes.

Did all of those things really come from my subconscious?

Aeryn remembers some of the things John said. "It's that damn PeaceKeeper bitch. First you betray the PeaceKeepers and every value made since you were born. And now poor Sparky here." Does John consider me to be a traitor? Is he afraid I'll betray him someday? I thought he trusted me.

"Tell me *princess* when you're old and fat will you have anything to look back on with pride?" Fat? Me? A Princess? And I just egged him on. And then he called me a, "Frigid, flat-butted PeaceKeeper skank." A skank? Flat-butted? Frigid? Is that how John really feels about me? I thought he loved me.

********************

Zhaan says, "D'Argo come over here and sit down now. Let me check the wound in your leg again."

D'Argo says, "It's only a flesh wound."

Zhaan merely looks at him and says, "D'Argo."

D'Argo reluctantly walks over and sits down.

Zhaan cleans his wound again and applies a fresh dressing.

D'Argo says, "Thank you Zhaan." D'Argo gently touches her arm. "Zhaan, I'm sorry about... you know the tongue - knocking you out."

Zhaan smiles and says, "Sweet D'Argo. I forgive you, but I don't remember it. In fact I hardly remember anything at all."

D'Argo grumbles, "Hmm. Then consider yourself lucky. I remember exactly what I did all too clearly."

"Crichton says that talking about an experience, something difficult and how you feel about it may help. I think he's right. Would you like to talk about it D'Argo?"

D'Argo thinks about it for a micron and sighs. He says, "Zhaan, I'm ashamed to admit this to you...."

********************

John wanders back down to the room on Tier 9 that bore the brunt of his physical rampage. Good thing that Moya has lots of extra rooms. Boy I'm glad I got that out of my system. Man what would Dad or DK say if they saw what I did. Saw how completely I lost it.

T'raltixx created paranoia in all of us - well maybe everyone except me. He brought out the worst in all of us. Ugly is not the word to describe it. We all said things... things that we'd normally never, ever have said to anyone. But those things had to be there in the back of our minds somewhere didn't they? What does that say about us? What does that say about me? I saw a side of myself today that I did *not* like.

How am I going to face Chiana after what I did, what I said? Chiana was impressed by all the things I said to her. She thinks it was cool. Truth is I don't know where it came from. It's just there.

I actually shot D'Argo. And then kicked his wounded leg for fun. For fun! Just when we were becoming friends. How could I do that? How do I fix that? John sighs.

John didn't even want to think about the next person, *her*. But he found that he couldn't help himself. He couldn't stop thinking about *her*. Even when he was trying *not* to think about *her* he was still thinking about trying to not think about *her*. Trying a different approach to distract himself he thinks, "I'd better clean this mess up before one of the others notices. They're all probably scared enough of me the way it is. I don't need them to see this."

********************

Rygel sits on his throne on the Hynerian home world. He is feasting on Hynerian marjols and Shakloom jerky. Waving the servant girl away Rygel looks over at his new Justice Minister Chiana. He says, "Go ahead."

The Justice Minister says, "Yeah okay. Like bring forth the accused."

The Royal guards bring out none other than Commander John Crichton.

John says, "Hey Pip, Sparky. How you doi..." Chiana makes a motion and in response one of the guards clamps his hand over John's mouth to stop him from speaking.

Chiana says, "Commander John Crichton. Savage from the planet Earp. You stand accused of showing disrespect to His Eminence, Dominar Rygel the Sixteenth."

John exclaims, "What? What are y...," before the guard silences him again.

Chiana continues, "You stand accused of using all forms of cryptic and insulting nicknames. Sparky. Spanky. Fluffy. Buckwheat. Napolean. How doth thee plead?"

Thinking he's playing a game John says, "Uh, ya got me there Pip. Guilty as charged. Now what do I wi..." The guard silences John again.

Chiana turns to Dominar Rygel and says, "Your Eminence willst thou now pronounce sentence?"

Rygel says, "I have known this Crichton for some time. He has saved my life on more than one occasion. Being a savage he does not understand the offense he commits. As a civilized people it is our job to teach and educate savages such as him." Rygel pauses.

Rygel turns to Chiana and in a low voice says, "And besides I must admit I do like the fellow."

More loudly Rygel continues, "Please *invite* the ex-PeaceKeeper Officer Aeryn Sun to come and stand before us." Chiana claps her hands and the guards bring Aeryn in to stand next to John.

John mumbles, "...iya... unshi...," through the guard's hand over his mouth.

Aeryn looks over at John and rolls her eyes. Aeryn bows her head and through gritted teeth says, "Greetings Your Eminence. Thank you for your hospitality. How are you this fine day?"

********************

Zhaan walks back into her quarters. She is disturbed by her conversation with D'Argo. His confession of his behavior towards Rygel was upsetting. I need to meditate, to clear my mind. Then maybe I can think this through.

Zhaan takes her meditation mat and places it on the floor. She takes a stick of incense, lights it and puts it in a holder on the floor in front of the mat. Then she takes off her robe and sits down on the mat.

Clear my mind. Empty it. Push away all thoughts. Notice the scent of the incense. Focus on the smell. I have no worries. No worldly concerns. No cares at all. Let it all go. Relax. Breathe deeply. Enjoy the nothingness.

I am at peace with myself and the universe around me. Focus on the sounds that Moya is making. Listen to the hum of Moya.

Mother Moya. Mother? Yes, much like Moya feels for Talyn I feel like the mother to my shipmates. They are my family now. I care about them. I worry about them.

T'raltixx. Why do we always run into such disagreeable beings?

Rygel. Poor Rygel. I wonder how he feels. How's he dealing with what was done to him? I will have to seek him out. I must find a way to help him.

Given what D'Argo confessed to I wonder what things the others did, what things they said to each other.

After we rearranged the furniture on the command deck Chiana asked John, "How did you come up with all that crap?" John was embarrassed and replied, "I don't know Pip it's just there." What were they talking about?

Aeryn and John quickly mumbled apologies to each other and then Aeryn left the room. Apologies for what? Aeryn looked very uncomfortable. John and Aeryn wouldn't look each other in the eyes. What happened between the two of them?

John said something strange about "Humpty Dumpty" and then asked me, "How do we take it all back?" I don't know how. I don't even know what needs to be taken back.

How much damage my family do to itself today?

********************

D'Argo is slowly walking down one of Moya's corridors. His leg is still sore from the gunshot wound. He's thinking.

How? Exactly how do I get myself into these situations? True, I find myself attracted to Zhaan. She's quite an exotic woman. Been attracted to Zhaan for a very long time.

But lately... I've been thinking about Chiana. I find myself thinking about her more and more. What is it that John calls her? Pip, isn't it? That name seems to describe her so well. Pip's attractive in a completely different way. She's spunky, vivacious. Chiana makes me feel this strong urge to protect her. Protect her? Yes, but these are not innocent brotherly feelings at all.

Yes, I haven't known Chiana for very long and I don't know much about her at all. I certainly don't want to take advantage of her.

But then again I've known Zhaan for cycles and how much do I really know about her either?

Two women? Hezmana, do I have to choose?

How do I get myself in these situations? Women are so complicated. They mess with your mind, make you... what is that word that Crichton uses? Nuts? Nuts. Just look at what Aeryn does to Crichton.

Perhaps it is best not to think about these things, about Chiana or Zhaan. Maybe then I won't drive myself crazy trying to figure this out....

********************

John ponders some of the things Aeryn said to him.

"Next time you'll be a crouton Crichton." How did she know I hate croutons? Or was that just another translator microbe hiccup? But actually to have some croutons now, some food, any food even food I hate from home would be priceless.

"Why don't you make another speech you self-important deficient little man." Deficient little man? 

"All you ever do is *talk*. I'm tired of having to always listen to *you*." I talk too much?

"Are you cracking up little man?" Little man? Is that what Aeryn really thinks of me?

"When I'm old there is one thing I'm gonna look back on with enormous pride and that is killing you." Would she really have done it? Would Aeryn really have killed me? I just don't know....

"Your Father was the hero you know. He did things. You, you're just this test monkey that screwed up your first experiment." Amazing intuition. A perceptive observation. John remembers what it was like growing up to be the son of an astronaut, a hero. My Dad is a tough act to follow. I've been fighting that battle for my whole life. People never gave me any credit for my ability nor my accomplishments. They always assumed I was getting a break because of my Dad. They thought I was riding my Dad's coattails. I've always had to do more. Always had to prove myself. But it was never enough. I could never get out of my Father's shadow.

John's thinking. I need to do some kind of physical labor. Something to keep my mind busy. Something that will give me a sense of accomplishment. That's the ticket.

John wanders around on Tier 9 and finds a large equipment storage room. He starts taking an inventory and rummaging around to see what materials he has to work with. Good thing I didn't wreck everything around here. Maybe, maybe, this just might do. A plan forms in John's mind.

********************

"Where did all that stuff come from?" Some of the things I said. Some of the things he said. Some of the things everyone said. It seemed like T'raltixx tuned you in to everyone else's worst fears, their insecurities. All of the comments, while perhaps exaggerated, had some element of truth to them. This is why they really hurt.

Aeryn wipes tears from her eyes. I'm not frigid John. I have feelings. I have feelings for you. I really do. They just scare me, they overwhelm me. I don't know how to express them. PeaceKeepers never openly express their feelings. I never learned how. I'm afraid I don't deserve a good man, a man with substance of character like you. Someone who treats me as nicely as you do. I'm afraid I'll hurt you, betray you John. I don't know how to be in a relationship with you. I've never had a relationship last more than three monens. It just wasn't permitted. Procreation was assigned. There was no such thing as a life long mate.

Yet, I don't know how I can live without you. I've come to rely on you in so many ways. You encourage me to be more when I don't even realize that I need to be encouraged. You inspire me to learn and use my mind. I look up to you. I admire you. You have truly touched my soul and I will never be the same. I *need* you. I don't know why I'm attracted to you John. I don't understand it. All I know is that I *need* you John.

I've never been filled with such pain and remorse before. And something else too... fear. Yes, fear. Great Maker what if I've already lost John because of the things I said? Can he ever forgive me? Can I ever forgive him?

I'm so different from the Human women I saw when John and I were on the faux Earth. They dress themselves up; make themselves look petite and pretty for their males. Can John ever really have a relationship with a non-Human woman? Can he ever really love me? An ex-PeaceKeeper, a Sebacean woman? Is he still attracted to me? Does he still want me? Does he still need me? Does he feel as strongly about me as I feel about him?

********************

D'Argo walks towards Chiana's quarters. He's carrying his Shilquin. At the least I can try to get to know Chiana better. Let's just see what happens.

Reaching the entrance to Pip's quarters D'Argo pauses. What is that sound? Is Chiana crying? D'Argo feels a surge of protectiveness in his hearts.

D'Argo tentatively enters the open door to her quarters. He sees Chiana curled into a fetal position on her bed. He puts down his shilquin and walks over to her. He puts his hand on her shoulder and softly says her name, "Chiana?"

D'Argo? D'Argo's here to see me in my quarters? Chiana snuffles and wipes some of the tears off her face. She turns to look at him. Her eyes brighten and her face lights up. She replies, "Hi D'Argo." I wonder if he likes me? What would it be like to be D'Argo's girlfriend? What does he really want from me?

"Chiana, I'm concerned. Are you okay? Why were you crying?"

Chiana replies, "No reason. It's nothing."

Unperturbed D'Argo continues, "Chiana... Chiana what happened between you and Crichton today?"

She looks at him and tilts her head from left to right, and then right to left. "John, he scared me. Scared me very badly today. I thought he was going to kill me. He said a lot of mean and hateful things to me. I tried to shake it off and pretend it doesn't bother me. And worse I thought..."

D'Argo gently squeezes and rubs her shoulder to offer her comfort and support. Chiana starts crying again. D'Argo awkwardly puts his arms around Chiana and tenderly hugs her to his chest. After a few microns he says, "You thought? You thought what?"

"I thought. I thought he was going to... to..." Chiana clings on to D'Argo with the grip of a drowning woman. She spits out, "to *rape* me and then kill me." She buries her face into D'Argo's shoulder.

D'Argo is shocked. I know John. He couldn't, wouldn't have done that - would he? I don't know what to say. Anything I say would invalidate her feelings. Deciding that discretion is the better part of valor, D'Argo remains silent. He holds Chiana and gently rocks her back and forth in his arms.

*** Later that night ***

All is quiet aboard Moya or so it would seem.

John is sleeping restlessly on his stomach in his quarters. He rolls over and a pair of strong hands clamp a chemically soaked rag over his nose and mouth. John struggles for a moment before he succumbs to the anesthetic.

Several pairs of hands carry John out of his quarters.

********************

Rygel says, "Thank you I am well. Now remember Officer Sun I do believe I owe you a pay back or two." Rygel winks at Chiana. "I will now pronounce sentence upon John Crichton and Officer Sun. Take them both and lock them up in the Royal Honeymoon Suite. Do not let them out until Crichton admits and tells Aeryn that he loves her *and*..." Rygel pauses for dramatic effect. He continues, "Aeryn admits and tells Crichton that she loves him."

Aeryn shouts, "Rygel! I'll get you for this."

John shouts, "W... ho...," through the guard's fingers.

Rygel waves his hand and says, "Take them away." Rygel is pleased with a job well done. He turns to the Chiana and softly says, "It isn't easy being a dominar you know. All these wise decisions to make and such. Sometimes you have to help these young folks out. They are obviously in love with each other. Have been for a long time. They just need to be helped along the way. A little push. They'll be fine."

Chiana nods several times in agreement.

An important thought occurs to Rygel. He says, "Um, don't forget to bring them food and drink. That PeaceKeeper is quite the stubborn female. They could be in there for quite a long time."

The Justice Minister replies, "So noted," and waits for Rygel.

Rygel says, "GA."

The Justice Minister smiles back at Rygel and says, "Bring forth the accused."

The Royal guards drag Ka D'Argo forth.

Rygel waves to Chiana and says, "Read the charges."

Chiana says, "Ka D'Argo, a Luxan. He stands accused of the highest, most heinous crime. Assault with intent to kill upon the person of His Eminence, Dominar Rygel the Sixteenth. How doth thee plead?"

D'Argo hangs his head and says, "Guilty."

Chiana turns to Rygel and says, "Your Eminence willst thou now pronounce sentence?"

Dominar Rygel is lost in thought...

Rygel hears D'Argo say, "But if you want your crackers so badly, I'll give your eminence crackers."

Rygel meekly utters, "No."

Rygel tries to get away from D'Argo but D'Argo has a firm hold on him.

D'Argo says, "Now eat. You've got three stomachs. I'm sure one of them must be empty." D'Argo continues to stuff crackers down Rygel's throat...

Rygel screams, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah," and wakes up. It's only a dream. It's only a dream. It's only a dream.

Rygel looks around and realizes he's in his quarters aboard Moya. He keeps telling himself, "It's only a dream. It's only a..."

********************

Holy salmonella my head hurts. John struggles to move but finds his arms and legs bound. What? He realizes he is sitting in a chair. John opens his eyes and sees that there is a pillowcase over his head. Through the pillowcase he hears a muffled argument.

"You agreed to this. You gave me your word. You can't back out now."

"Yes, but I'm not sure..."

"No buts. Wait I saw him move. He's awake now." More forcefully, "Decide now. Are you with us or him?"

"I'm with you."

"Good."

John hears footsteps and the pillowcase is pulled off his head. John sees D'Argo, Chiana, and Aeryn standing in front of him. He sees that he is strapped into an Aurora Chair. No it can't be! John says, "Guys this isn't funny. Let me out now." John struggles against his bonds.

D'Argo says, "That's a good one Crichton." He laughs.

Chiana joins D'Argo in laughing at John. Aeryn just stares at him.

John says, "D'Argo." Pleading he says, "Aeryn?"

Chiana says, "Sorry Johnny but we've decided to take care of you before you get any bright ideas and start taking care of us." She turns to Aeryn and says, "Ready?"

Aeryn walks over to the controls and starts powering up the Aurora Chair. She replies, "Ready."

John says, "Aeryn, no wait please just listen to me. I didn't mean it, any of it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!"

Aeryn locks eyes with Crichton. She replies, "Listen to *you*?" She stifles a laugh and says, "Why?"

"Aeryn, I didn't mean any of it. I'm sorry. Forgive me. I love you."

"Ah yes that." Aeryn says, "Me too John," as she turns on the Aurora Chair maximum power setting.

John screams, "Aaeeeeeerynnnnnnnnn!"

*** A few solar days later ***

Aeryn is eating food cubes in the galley. Chiana, D'Argo, Rygel, and Zhaan walk in. 

D'Argo says, "Aeryn?"

Aeryn looks up at him.

D'Argo continues, "Um... I'm sorry I hit Crichton when I was under the influence of T'raltixx."

Aeryn waves her hand at D'Argo making the universal motion that says, "Forget about it." Aeryn inquires, "How's your leg healing?"

D'Argo says, "It's better." He pauses and glances at Zhaan. With her eyes and a subtle nod of her head, Zhaan urges D'Argo to continue.

D'Argo says, "Aeryn, we have a problem and we have to find a way to handle it. The others and I have talked about this and we are in agreement." He sits down across from her.

Aeryn says, "D'Argo, what are you babbling about? Just come out and say it."

D'Argo says, "It's Crichton. His behavior is becoming even more erratic. Our experience with T'raltixx has made that clear. I haven't seen or talked to him since then."

A now frustrated Aeryn says, "And? What do you want me to do about it? I won't abandon him. I can't. I won't." There that showed them.

D'Argo glances at Zhaan again. Zhaan rolls her eyes.

D'Argo tries to hide the smirk on his face and says, "You are the person on this ship who is the *closest* to Crichton." D'Argo lets that sink in for a few microts. "If you do care for him, talk to him. Find out what's going on. Try to help him."

Oh that's a low blow - playing to my guilt. Are my feelings for Crichton that obvious? Aeryn acquiesces, "Okay." I know I should try to help Crichton. I still can't believe the things I said to him. John has always been there and been strong for me. He's suffering now because he insisted on saving my life. But the things I said to him. The things he said to me. The pain is still very fresh. I'm afraid. What if I can't help him? What do we do then? What if Crichton has gone mad? What do I do then? Kill him to keep the rest of us safe from him? Kill him out of mercy? I don't know if I can do that.

Aeryn says, "Pilot?"

Pilot responds, "Yes Officer Sun?"

Aeryn says, "Can you please give me an update on Crichton."

Pilot replies, "I've had the DRD's watching him for the last three solar days. I have not spoken with him since then. Crichton has not been sleeping much. He is working on building something that I can't identify on Tier 9. When everyone else is asleep or otherwise occupied he spends some time on the terrace. In fact he is on the terrace right now."

Aeryn says, "Thank you Pilot."

"So you will go and talk to him?"

Aeryn says, "Yes, D'Argo. Yes means yes."

********************

John's walking from the terrace back down to the room he's been working in on Tier 9. He's thinking. Even though I want to. No. Even though I *need* to talk to Aeryn, I've been avoiding her for the last three solar days. She looked very upset, disturbed after our encounter with T'raltixx. She wouldn't look me in the eye. Well jeez I couldn't look her in the eye either, not after what I'd said to her. I know we apologized to each other very quickly but somehow that just wasn't enough. I mean they *were* effected by T'raltixx, I'm not sure I was. I don't think I have any excuse.

We were just like an old married couple. We both knew exactly what buttons to push to cause the most damage. A classic love-hate sort of thing. But is it more love than hate right now? Did Aeryn ever feel more love than hate for me? Whatever our relationship is, can it withstand the damage we did to it?

There's no denying it. The worst part is that I knew. I felt it. I knew I was losing it. I always thought that you wouldn't know. Visions of Scorpius in a Hawaiian shirt. "I know a place with naked Sebacean girls and margarita shooters." Where the frell did that come from? Well I guess *it* has been a while and I've been a little frustrated. Frustration with Aeryn for keeping me at a distance. She has built a wall around herself, around her feelings. On a rare occasion she barely gives me a glimpse of what she's hiding behind it. Okay, I admit it. A lot of sexual frustration too.

Scorpius urging me to kill Aeryn. "Then we'll have Pizza with margarita shooters." Who has Pizza with margarita shooters? Scorpius quoting Shakespeare. "You're out of your mind John." Tell me about it.

********************

Aeryn enters the terrace looking for John. She looks around but doesn't find him there. Where did he go? Can he read my mind? Does he know I'm looking for him?

Aeryn walks down to Tier 9 looking for John. According to Pilot he's been working on something down here for the last few days. I wonder what it is. Aeryn stops just outside the door to the room he's been working in. Her nervous stomach lurches from its increased acidity level. She is hesitant to enter.

********************

John sets up the makeshift hot tub he's been working on. He fills it with water and turns it on. After it warms up he tests the temperature with his hand. Feels about right.

********************

Aeryn watches John tinker with what looks like a large container of water. John's back is facing towards her. After a few microns of watching John, she builds up her courage enough to enter the room and talk to him. Before she can move she's mesmerized by the sight of John taking off his clothes. Aeryn's mouth drops open and her cheeks flush. Oh my lord... what is he doing?

********************

John finishes disrobing and slowly enters the hot tub. Ahh, that's much better. John sits in the hot tub he built. Not a bad job for the 'deficient' one. He holds his breath and plunges his whole body beneath the water. Coming up for air he shakes his head a little to get the excess water out of his hair.

John says aloud, "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. And all the king's horses, and all the king's men couldn't put Aeryn back together again."

John hears someone, no make that Aeryn clear her throat. Man I did not hear *her* enter the room. Wonder how long she's been here. Shit. Dren.

Aeryn walks over to John and softly says, "Hey."

Without turning to face her John evenly replies, "Hi Aeryn."

Aeryn walks over and stands near the hot tub. She sees John's clothes in a pile on the floor. She nudges his Calvins with her foot and says, "John, have you been wearing my underwear again?"

Your underwear? Huh? What? Oh I get it. She's playing, flirting with me. I never expected this. John turns to face her. A small grin on his face he says, "*Your* underwear?"

Aeryn gives John a tiny grin in return. Aeryn puts her hand in to test the water. She quickly pulls it out saying, "Ow! Hot!" Shaking her hand dry she asks, "What's this? You cooking yourself?"

"A hot tub. It's just what the doctor ordered..." John turns the temperature down to a more Sebacean tolerable level. "... it's very soothing, very relaxing." John pauses. I wonder how long she's been watching me. Let's see if she really wants to flirt. He says, "Hey don't think you can take advantage of me just cause I'm naked."

Aeryn blushes and playfully smacks him in the arm. She says, "In your dreams Earp man."

He silently mouths the word, "Earp?" Look, notice how she blushed! John doesn't say anything in response. He just looks at her and raises his eyebrows.

You dream about me? About you and me making love? You still like me? You still want me? Aeryn looks down at the floor and says, "John?"

"Mmm."

"Are you going to be okay?"

Knew this was coming. John sighs. "I'm scared by what happened. I freaked out. Mostly I'm disappointed with myself. By what I did, the way I behaved, what I said. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't understand it. I think I'll be okay. I think I can get by with a little help from my friends." He pauses suddenly concerned. "Aeryn, you and I are we... still um... friends?" John looks at Aeryn.

Aeryn thinks. Friends? I don't want to *only* be your friend John. I want to be your lover. She replies, "John, I'm here for you. You and I, we are still um... friends."

"Aeryn, I am sorry, I am so sorry. I did not *mean* any of those things I said to you. I'd take them back if I could. I'm sorry I pulled a gun on you and shot at you. I'm sorry I hit you. I didn't want to. I have nightmares about it. I never thought I could or would ever hit you or hurt you. I apologize for hurting you. I apologize for hurting your feelings. You deserve better treatment than that. I hope that someday you can forgive me." John breaks eye contact and looks away from her.

Aeryn thinks. We're all worried about him. I'm very worried about him and he's worried about *me*? Aeryn sees tears running down his cheeks. Oh frell, now he's got me on the verge of tears.

She says, "John? Look at me. John."

John turns to look at her.

She continues, "I promise I will. I need some time to sort things out. It's not that easy for me."

John thinks. Boy Aeryn sure looks uncomfortable, nervous. His heart sinks. How much damage did I do to her? At least she's still talking to me. I guess that's the best I can hope for - for now.

She goes on, "I'm sorry I pulled a gun on you. And remember I shot at you first. Dren, I'm so bad at this. Me too. I'm sorry for the things I said to you too John."

John says, "Aeryn..."

Aeryn has a feeling for what John is about to say. She thinks. Damn it. No. Don't say it. Damn you.

John continues, "I forgive you. I could never stay mad at you pumpkin."

Aeryn's infuriated. Damn you! You always make me feel like a coward when it comes to my feelings. Especially my feelings for *you*. Aeryn stands there with her mouth open trying to think what to say. She closes her mouth and then opens it again but can't say anything. The words are simply not there.

A curious but troubled look plays across John's face. They both remain silent for a while listening to the hot tub bubbling away.

Aeryn's thinking. I wish he would say something. Sometimes 'our' silences make me very uncomfortable. There's so much I want to say to John, so much I want to tell him. I want to do something to show him how I feel. This silence is dangerous. I can't take it anymore. I have to do something, anything.

Aeryn pulls off her boots and socks adding them to the pile of John's clothes. She unbuttons her vest and drops it. Then she takes off her t-shirt and pants.

John's eyes are riveted on the sight of Aeryn's lithe body clad in only her underwear. Well, a combination of her and his underwear. He yearns to touch her snow-white skin.

Aeryn unhooks her bra, slides the straps down off her shoulders and pauses for a moment teasing John before letting it drop to the floor. Then she pushes John's Calvins down below her hips and lets them drop to the floor too.

John gazes at the radiant Aeryn Sun in unabashed admiration. He has a very big smile on his face. Is that a tattoo I see?

Aeryn smiles back at John with a sly grin on her face. She steps over to the hot tub and gently lowers herself into the hot water.

John swallows in anticipation. Oh boy.

After a micron or two Aeryn reaches over with her foot and starts rubbing it against John's calf. John utters a long and drawn out groan of pleasure, "Ohhhhhhhhh."

She looks John in the eyes. He longingly looks back at her. Aeryn reads his desire for her in his eyes.

She closes the distance between them.

Aeryn rests her chin on John's shoulder and kisses his neck. In response she hears the breath rush out of John's lungs. In a husky voice John says, "Oh God Aeryn I want you."

She looks up to see his face, his lips slowly turning to meet hers. Aeryn thinks, "YES, this is what I want."

Their lips get closer and closer together.

They start to kiss. Gently. Tenderly.

Aeryn coaxes John's mouth open with her own and nibbles on his lower lip. She deepens the kiss wrapping her arms around him and pressing her body up against his. She flutters her tongue against his. She assaults the interior of his mouth. Her tongue dueling with his.

John moans in pleasure thoroughly enjoying what Aeryn is doing for him, to him.

All conscious thoughts are soon driven from both of their minds...

John looks at Aeryn standing there biting on her index finger. I wish she would say something. John breaks the silence and says, "Aeryn." More loudly this time, "Aeryn?"

Huh? What? Aeryn is startled out of her reverie. She looks around trying to figure out where she is and then looks at John still sitting in the hot tub.

John has a concerned look on his face. He says, "Aeryn, you okay?"

Aeryn stares at John's lips. I want to kiss him soooo much. If I stay here I'm afraid of what will happen. I can't resist his charm, his allure. Warning. Danger. Red Alert! Aeryn's shields pop into place. She replies with a gruff, "I'm fine," and storms out of the room. She hears John call out behind her, "Aeryn."

John calls out to her back again in frustration, "Aeryn?" Damn it. What the hell was that all about? I wonder what she was thinking about. I know I was thinking about how nice it would be if I could sweet talk her into joining me in the hot tub. He sighs.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. And all the king's horses, and all the king's men couldn't put Aeryn back together again.

**Finis**

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You are invited to send comments and/or feedback to the author at: [the_hopeful_romantic@yahoo.com][1].

  
  


   [1]: mailto:the_hopeful_romantic@yahoo.com



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